Start with an injury
The first month of 2022 was surprisingly good, even though everything didn’t go as planned. I headed back to Åland 8th of January to start the new season, but unfortunately after 1,5 week I suddenly felt pain in my ankle. I just thought that my ankle was locked, and it needed only a little bit of mobilization and rest so it will be good again. After five days of rest and mobilization for the ankle, it was the same, if not even worse. I went to visit our old physio, and he suspected a stress fracture . I got time for an MRI, but I had to wait one week. After the MRI, he called me the next day, and said that they had to send the MRI pictures to the mainland, because my case was so complicated. At this point I was a little bit pissed, because I had been waiting and overthinking for so long. On the next weeks Monday, he finally called me,that I have a diagnosis. I have a stress fracture in my medial Malleolus, and also some injury in my Tibialis posterior (muscle). It means, I have to let my Malleolus rest for between 4-8 week, and after that to start slowly increase the load. So actually it isn’t even that long anymore, because I waited 2-3 weeks for my diagnosis. I have also been through other types of injuries, so this one of the easiest one I feel, if we think about practicing and the rehab: I can bike, aqua jog, swim and do strength training. When I had the ACL I had to wait 2-4 weeks to even start to do anything because of the surgery. I am happy for the small things, even though it’s a pity I can’t be part of the team’s Pre-Season and generally play football. But, injuries and setbacks are part of high-performance sport, they are the ones what measure you out of handling hard situations. I can choose how I respond to this, and I have chosen to take it how it is and see the positive sides of the situation. Also it’s important to trust the process, because when I believe in the rehab, it will heal, or it can`t make it worse with that and I also feel good to think in that way.
Finding own ways to process
Even if my injury is one big thing that has happened in January, so also other other things have happened. I read a book called Looking for Alaska, and then after that I started to read Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s book. Reading has become one of my evening routines before I go to sleep. After reading I have been doing meditation which includes manifesting. The Meditations I have been doing have a huge impact on my mindset and mood. I have been doing a guy called Sami Minkkinen`s meditations. He has over a thousand online courses and different kinds of meditations. Those who can and speak Finnish can go check it out. After doing his courses and meditation, I have started to feel a lot more confident and sure about my dreams and most of all, of myself. After last summer, I feel I have been very unstable after my dad’s death. of course, it’s very understandable and humane, but it was awful. It was a moment where I thought: “it can’t get worse”. I had a lot of sleep paralysis and I did not sleep nearly anything. I couldn’t sleep alone in 4,5 months, and I still sometimes have troubles falling asleep. Some people might wonder if I have got some “professional help”, so yes and no. I felt a little bit helpless with what I should do about this, because usually I know exactly what I need and what is right for me, but this time I wasn’t sure. Most of all what I needed and still need, is other people’s experiences and stories about losing a loved one . Because these people know what it is to be in this type of situation, and I’m so extremely lucky I have got the opportunity to talk to some people who have experienced the same things. Was it then some woman in the swimming hall, some random dude in the store or one of my closest friends. Also, I even tried to find some blogs, articles and stories where people share their experiences, but unluckily I didn’t find many of them. When I opened up to people, there were a lot of them who have been through similar experiences. I talked with our U 23 doctor and our sport psychologist a few times. I don’t say it was completely useful. Of course they both were really professional and had a lot of knowledge, but I felt it was only “talking about the thing”. I felt I needed to concretely work on my feelings.
Helping mechanisms and my inner child
I did with my nutritionist a guided mindfulness practice, where we explored my feelings by going into my body. It took over two hours, but it was really worth it. The whole experience was very eye-opening, because I got to know my feelings from my “inner child”. We all carry some kind of feelings from childhood to adulthood, and our behavioral patterns are strongly based on what kind of feelings we have expressed in different situations. As I wrote in my first post, I have some insecurity with writing, so it’s because I have always felt insecure in school. I spent my whole time in elementary school in a special class. I had some difficulties with reading, writing and learning they said, and in general I didn’t come along with the teachers. I wanted to do things in my own way. So, I think that’s the reason why I was in that class. I love to sing and play instruments, but I have never (and have not still) been in a piano or singing lesson, because I couldn’t tolerate someone telling me what to do. Absolutely no, because when I love to do something I somehow know what to do. I also get really excited and want to use my time to research it and do it by myself.Honestly, I have no idea why that’s a problem, but that’s the way society works. So that was one of my inner child feelings, but I also have one interesting thing, that I always feel before I’m falling asleep or just getting tired. I’m all over very itchy, and when we started to analyze the thing, I noticed that I felt a need for nearness. Humans are are psycho physical creatures and it shows how our mind and body are so strongly connected together. But, the mindfulness with my nutritionist was very helpful and it was really important to understand my inner child, because now I can be more attentive with my behavior patterns and develop myself when I know a little bit more of myself.
Exciting things ahead, after rough times
After an awful year and problems with sleeping, I feel more confident and balanced after a long time, but I still haven’t fully recovered. I have to work with my mind and give it time to process everything. As our U 23 doctor told me, my mind is not just processing 2021, but also 2019 and 2020. My dad got sick in 2019 and it was very shocking for me. I couldn’t believe that cancer had arrived in our house, and after seeing so many movies about cancer, I felt so anxious and awful. Of course movies don’t tell and predict how everything is going to be, but the movies are always extremely sad, and after we have experienced the movies are pretty realistic. So for sure, I will never get over this but I will try to learn to live with it. I still have a lot to work with myself, but I believe I am on the right path. Without my family and friends, I could’ve been even worse, but the true friends and my family have been the answer, from where I have got the strength to continue. One thing that has been helping me a lot, is that I will get my own puppy! I have always dreamed of my very own dog, and knowing that you have something good to look forward to in the future, has been cheering me up in my mind. Just imagining in my head to have something so valuable in my life, makes me so happy and excited. Can’t wait to get my baby!
Next post in the beginning of March 🙂
I probably wrote more about 2021 than about January, but to understand my situation, it’s also good to write about my previous experiences. The case with my dad is very fresh, and I hope people can get some help from this, even though I am still expressing new perspectives and feelings, but that’s one of the reasons why I am writing. I will be back with a new post in the beginning of March. Stay safe and healthy!
